I have no idea what I’m doing. I constantly find myself thinking about what my future is going to be like and I can’t come up with an idea of what I want it to be like. I want to be a pilot, at least, I “think” I want to be a pilot. I’m unsure if I still want to do that.
The only reason why I “think” I want to be a pilot is because it seems like an easy job. I get to travel, I don’t have to deal with many people, and I’ll be bringing home a decent paycheck. But is that what I really want to do?
I love flying! It’s awesome and its so much fun, but I love other things as well. I love being at a casino. I love gambling. It’s a sad thing to admit, but i have so much fun doing it. I’m smart though; I understand that that you can never beat the house. I love football. When football season is upon us, it’s all i can think about. Nothing else matters except Sunday. My mind can’t focus on other things.
I used to love music. I was so big in music at one point in my life. It was what my whole being revolved around but that all changed. I used to dream of being a famous rock star and traveling the world and playing my guitar in front of thousands of fans every night. One day it popped in my head and I knew that that was never going to happen: I grew up.
So I “think” I want to be a pilot, but that can change at any moment. What am I to do with myself half way through college and I decide that the pilot life is just not for me? I’ll be really fucked by then because I would have racked up so much in student loans.
The only real thing that I know is that I need to make money; money makes this world go around. It’s a sad thought, but we will always be a slave to money. There’s no other way around it. Think about this, what is money used for? It’s used in exchange for goods and services. Why can’t we just trade things to each other and get rid of money? Well what happens what I need a shirt and the guy I’m getting my shirt from doesn’t need what ever I’m offering to him? Then I have to give him some money so he can get what ever it is that he needs. There’s no way around this.
So what should I do so I can have a good enough income to support myself? That’s what I’m trying to figure out. It has to be a job that makes me extremely happy, and it has to be something that I love. I “thought” it was music once, and now I “think” it might be being a pilot.
It’s kind of stupid to think that I don’t make enough money to support myself. I’m not making a lot of money where I work. I can literally make more money at McDonald’s. I’ve already decided that I’m putting in my two week notice after today. I can’t do it anymore. I have enough money to pay for gas, cellphone, car insurance, and food, but I don’t make enough money to move out of my parents house. I will never make that kind of money where I work.
Other things stress me out as well; I’m mostly worried about the unknown. Where am I going to get my own health insurance from? What about dental and eye care? What is something comes up? What if I get into a car accident? What if I’m finally working a job that pays for me to be living on my own and I get fired? I tend to think about “what ifs” a lot. I like to hope for the best and prepare for the worst.
I’m sick of people thinking that I’m some little kid who has no desire to be out on my own. THAT’S ALL I WANT IN LIFE RIGHT NOW. I can take care of myself. I don’t rely on my parents for anything anymore and people don’t see that. I signed myself up for school all by myself. Paid my way to and from the loop every day this semester, Bought all of my books, turned in all of my homework. I’ve been on top of everything. I haven’t asked anybody for a thing. Except maybe the occasional car ride to and from the train station. I want to be an Adult, but it seems like “money” is holding me back.
Moreover, I pay for all of my essentials. I do my own laundry, I feed myself, I buy my own soaps and shampoo, I get my own toothbrush and toothpaste and I pay for all of my own clothes. I seriously don’t rely on anybody for anything.
Its stressful. I’m not sure if I’m happy or not. I do feel like I’m missing out on my twenties. I have never been out on a Friday or Saturday night. EVER. It’s hard to believe because I’m turning 24 on Monday. I feel like I’m not like most of the people I know my age. I’m way more responsible than people think. I work way harder than I’m given credit for. My social life is non existent. I have a few friends, and they are as busy am I am.
Who am i? I’m a 24 year old college student who works part time at a bar in Bridgeport. I make next to nothing there and work my ass of even though I have no life. I work my ass off in school even though I wont have a degree for another few years. This is all happening a lot slower than I would like it to happen.
What do I want? I just want to be happy.
What makes me happy? My family does. My friends do. Why? They make me smile and feel like I belong. Well what is belonging? Belonging is feeling like you have a purpose. But what is a purpose? Well I don’t know. So if I don’t know that, do I really know what makes me happy?
I’m my perfect life I have a beautiful wife and an amazing family. We make enough money to be financially stable. We all love each other. That’s really all that I’m looking for. I keep trying to plug in different parts of that equation and keep getting no solutions. I guess I have to start using complex numbers and imaginary numbers to find a solution.
I try to keep things as simple as possible. I really love who I am personality wise. I’m capable of doing amazing things. I KNOW that if i put my mind to anything i can do anything. So how do i create my “perfect” life? I don’t know how.
The only thing that I do know is that I can “think.”